How 4” Platforms Can Change Your Life…or Practical Numerology

On this busy day, I have one quick numerology tip for those of you having a 12 year or a 12 month (if you want to know more about your personal year, shoot me an email or give me a call). While 12 is most often thought of as the energy of letting go of old patterns and old habits, it is also about gaining new perspectives. Since I am in a 12 month, I decided today to shift my perspective. How did I accomplish that? By wearing 4” platform heels!

The weather is warm here in Santa Cruz, so when the 4” platform sandals called out to me today: “Wear me and change your life!” I responded with a “Yes!” As I was doing the laundry, I realized that tall people have a completely different experience of life. At first, I began to notice what was visible around me. As I walked around the house, I saw things differently, literally but with a different perspective as well. At my LEADS meeting this afternoon, I towered over my lovely companions. The experience of being 5’10” heightened (pun intended) my interactions with them as I noted the differential and perspective shifts that entailed.

Bottom line: I feel more confident, more expansive, more generous, and more aware of my surroundings. That’s what a 12 month is all about! And all I had to do was wear a different pair of shoes.

If you are in a 12 month or year, try something new. Drive a different way to work, eat with a different hand, wear a new outfit or wear some platform shoes! Most of all, enjoy the change. That’s what life is all about.

Why I am a Numerologist. Or, A Story of Passion…

Passion, Baby! It’s true, I am passionate about numbers, have been since algebra changed my life. I enjoy sharing information and insights. I believe everyone has the answers they seek inside them. I have found a way to combine numbers and spirituality. Or, I have found a way that has been around a very long time. Invented by none other than Pythagorus.

Really. Pythagorus is the father of Algebra and Geometry and Numerology. In my algebra class, I used to question Mr. Murphy about why we should believe Pythagorus. He would drop his head in a quiet anguish and turn back to the chalkboard. My question was never answered. And, herein lies the irony. The man I called into scrutiny is the foundation of my work. He birthed the integration of the Science of Numbers with Divine Law. Oops. He was passionate about numbers. Hmm… A lesson?

My passion for numbers and people makes numerology a great fit for me. My job as a numerologist is to inspire answers to surface. As I share the insights provided by the numbers and ask the inquiries that lead to revelation, my clients are able to piece together their lives in a more meaningful way. When life is challenging, meaning brings hope. When life is good, meaning brings inspiration.

For my part, when I look at my own numbers along with the universal numbers, I often feel an ‘aha’ moment. And, sometimes, I just clunk myself on the head and say, “Duh.”

For example, I’m in an 11 year. January is a a 12 month for me. With the universal energy of the year being 5 and this month being 6 (unexpected change and delving deep into how we want to be in relationship with ourselves and others) when I ‘crunch’ the numbers, I find that the intensity I am feeling around learning to be with myself, learning to love myself, and weathering the unexpected (as well as expected) ups and downs of relationships finds expression in a lot of extra emotion (11) and the need to let go and surrender in ways I would not have considered (12). So, as my heart is breaking over and over again, how can numerology help me? Knowing that there is meaning in heartbreak, trusting that letting go does actually lead to greater growth, and feeling that I must heal my heart in order to move through the changes creates a more meaningful foundation and allows me to take a breath.

When I am working with clients, I use my intuition as well as my research. Last week, I had two clients with the same birthday. Their sessions and their numerology had similar themes, but the information that came through for each was unique. I love that and continue to find each session a fascinating study as well as an incredible opportunity to serve.

Numerology gives me a structure for my intuition to roam and gather whatever insights are available to share. Those of you who know me well, know that I work with many allies and guides. I have the ability to ‘see’ and will share those images with my clients for their discernment.

Part of my 11 year is to hone and refine my own abilities in the intuitive realm. And, that means spending more time in those realms. I have been resisting spending all this time alone, feeling much fear and deep loneliness. As a dear friend says, “Fear and Worry are inconsistent with Faith in God.” A true statement. My counselor says I must embrace the loneliness, make it my ally. So, my 11 year says: “I’ll support you in this. It’s time for you to go deeper, to learn more so you can support yourself and your friends, and your clients.” There’s some relief in knowing that I am being guided no matter how alone I might feel. This is how numerology works for me. And, on the days where the only souls I see are the sweet dogs who live here and those that pass through the ethers during a telephone session or recording, I think to myself, “Even though I feel lonely, this year is supposed to bring these kinds of experiences. It’s what is best.”

Looking ahead can be daunting. I remember to stay in the moment as much as I can. AND I know that next year is a 12 year for me. Since that is a big letting go year, I feel motivated to learn what I can this year, so next year is easier. Quite frankly, I’ve let go of so much of late that I’m not sure what else is left. But I know the universe will share that with me next year. To place a positive spin on the 12 for those of you experiencing that this year, the letting go can be a great support for changing habits and patterns that are not healthy. It can be one of the most healing years of your life.

So, back to why I am a numerologist: I love playing with numbers, searching for meaning, learning and teaching. I am inspired by people who want to dig deeper into themselves. I want to contribute to the world in an authentic and creative way. My clients say they garner more insight, receive information, and feel more energized to live their lives in more full and powerful ways. THAT is inspiring. To be of service, to be able to share what I’ve learned, and to help others feel inspired about their lives…what more could I ask for?!

If you would like a numerology profile, please email me debyron@me.com or give me a call (541)601-9096.

Numerology! Why is it Relevant?

Great question! Here are my thoughts as we enter this new year with new numbers!

Bottom line: numerology is only relevant if you use it as a discernment tool along with your fine mind and your own intuition. Your personal numbers along with my enthusiastic (it is my passion after all!) interpretations, inquiries, and affirmations help illuminate ideas, concepts, paths, and craft a deeper understanding of your life past, present, and future.

Everyone has his or her unique way to make decisions, finalize plans, or understand why things are ‘not working out’. Numerology’s pin-pointed support is based on ancient knowledge and, yes, even science.

“Everything in the universe vibrates at its own particular frequency. By finding the vibration rate of any object, you can establish the qualities and energies associated with it. By applying the principles of numerology—and using only the name and birth date as the basic data—you can determine the major frequencies of different people. A numerological analysis of the calculated frequencies provides significant information on these people’s personalities and character.”

Numerology does not replace thinking things through or creatively brainstorming for new ideas. Numerology is an adjunct — a very helpful one that allows the brain to move faster and further because you have a head start. Knowing about yourself is one aspect of numerology. Understanding possible life paths and spiritual paths can be helpful for those who are interested. And looking at the current year and life cycle years is a super way to encourage greater focus.

Generating numerology for the year ahead is exciting for me. AND it does not replace living in each moment, having faith and trust, and asking for guidance in other ways. It does support me as I deepen my connection to myself and my world as well as developing a stronger faith and trust in the universal design. Some days, we must go on faith — it’s just the way of things. On those days, a peek at my numerology for the year or month often suggests just that — that’s the beauty of numerology. It adds to what we already know or feel.

For instance, as I look back at my own year of 10/1, I see that everything I’ve done has been about making new starts and allowing the wheel of life to show me where to go next. I’m not suggesting that everyone follow my particular path during a 10/1 year. And, the energy of the 10/1 year SUPPORTS making changes that will further learning and growth.

This year, I am in an 11 year. These are special years meant to take us further into spiritual exploration and trust. The hallmark of an 11 year is often dealing with strong emotions that take us deeper into intimacy with ourselves and others. I will admit to a bit of panic when I write this. I’m not sure how much more emotion I can handle! And the point is the 11 year SUPPORTS the emotionally sensitive path — it helps! The benefits of an 11 year are the renewed passion and zest for life (again, I take a deep breath — really? MORE?). It is a year that helps us recapture and regain our sense of wonder and awe and let go of old fears of the past. Using the creative and performing arts will help with this integration. During this year, it is EASIER to tap into the unlimited resources of strength inherent in our own nature which allows us to be more of ourselves. (I know, how is that possible?)

The truth is that each year builds upon the other. Making huge changes this year (far beyond any I have EVER made or ever thought of making) has landed me in a new place where I am starting over. Sounds like I am going to need a lot of that strength, so thank goodness, I have an 11 year coming right up! What is also true is that keeping that wonder and faith alive is crucial to feeling good in any year, especially for me (a Blue Magnetic Monkey in the Mayan Astrology). This coming year will help me remember and experience the energy, vitality, and enthusiasm that is my birthright (true for all of us)

Our personal year numbers along with the personal month numbers offer a map of suggestions for how to frame our year. I am happy to say that I have many returning clients and they share with me that the information is extraordinarily helpful. My offer to you is to call me or email me and I will share with you during a session how numerology can support you. First time clients pay $120 for a full 60 – 90 minute session. Follow up sessions are $100 for 60 minutes and include coaching, visualization and many other modalities from my trainings over the years. A 30 minute yearly update is available (for returning clients) for $58.

As always, the calls on the first of each month detailing our universal numerology are always free. And, check out my daily column if you want a little focus for the day. It helps me!

All my best for a fantastic new year with Love and Light and Laughter!

Denise Elizabeth Byron, CPC

Owner, Vision Your Life

a practical approach to sacred living through numerology, intuitive coaching, movement, art, and writing

(541)601-9096

www.VisionYourLife.com

Blog: http://visionyourlife.wordpress.com/

Daily Numerology Writing:

http://www.thecosmicpath.com/category/numerology-of-the-day

¹ http://www.wideninghorizons.com/numerology.shtml

2012: What do the numbers say??

[The following article appeared first on The Cosmic Path: www.cosmicpath.com under "Writings." The January meditation call contains even more detail and affirmations to support this important year. You can also access this on The Cosmic Path thanks to Stephanie Azaria.]

Here we are: the infamous 2012 is upon us. Numerologically, it is a big year! It’s a 5 year and with that comes change, growth, new possibilities, adventure, sensuality, freedom and flexibility.

In order to support the energy of the 5 year supporting you, you might want to consider these questions:

• How might I experience life in a new way?
• What type of foundation did I create last year and how will that support me during times of great change?
• How will I employ different disciplines to create room for the freedom of this year?
• What are the possibilities for _______?
• How might I serve my family, my community, and all those beings I share the earth with right now? 

The USA is a 5 (using 7-4-1776) and ‘freedom’ is a word that is used often in our vocabulary as a nation. How would you define freedom? That is a key question this year. And, what are you willing to give for your freedom? Considering your personal world and the world around you, how can you use your freedom to serve others? Our forbearers considered all these questions and more. The documents they wrote sum up their desires, intentions, and commitments. How might we do this now? Or how might we honor the meaning of freedom in new ways?

2012 is bringing excitement, change, and adventure for us all. I choose to think that all is based in LOVE and JOY. My personal mantra is: “My only job is to radiate light and love.” I will now add to it: “With a foundation of joy, I am free to be all that I am.”

January’s numerology gives the opportunity to start the year looking at all of our relationships. This seems to fit nicely with Saturn’s current transit of Libra winding up in the Fall. All relationships are highlighted. Our relationships serve to show us ourselves. As we begin the year, we can assess and learn and grow with whatever relationship opportunities present themselves. During a 6 month, we have the option to be of true service to ourselves and invite into this new year of freedom and expansion the intention to serve family, home, and community with more love and devotion. When we take good care of ourselves, everyone benefits. The focus this month is on Joyful Giving. What does that look for you?

Please join me on my blog for insights into the year as it unfolds. My monthly numerology meditations are free (and are archived on The Cosmic Path website). We meet by teleconference on the 1st of each month at 9 am Pacific. If you wish to know more about your personal year including each month and how all works together in your own life, please give a me a call or send an email.

Happy New Year to you all! Thanks for reading and please look for my blog detailing WHY numerology is RELEVANT and HELPFUL in a couple of days. Blessings of LOVE and LIGHT!

“Relax!”…it is December!

Is it December already? With all the focus on 2012, how was your 2011? I will remember mine as the most unusual year of my entire life so far. I say ‘unusual’ because honestly, I need a placeholder word. I have NO idea how to describe my year. A teacher of mine suggested the word “impactful.” Yup. Like a meteor hitting the planet. I have been in a 10/1 year. AND wow, the wheel has turned and I’ve changed and moved and planted new seeds and continue to do new things.  This year has mined the depths of my heart and soul and provoked more growth than I thought possible. And, yes, meteoric change reminds me that I am not really in charge. So, my new goal: Surrender to the benevolent and creative universe!

Numerology has been an important tool for me this year. I use it as a way to focus my energy. It is not predictive so much as it is focal. Knowing that I am in a 10/1 year helps me discern and understand the experiences coming my way. The hard lessons come when I resist or push. Letting go and letting the wheel turn (10) has been the most magical and peaceful way of growing this year. I’m grateful as I look at my numbers and see that there is rhyme and reason in the universe. It’s comforting.

As 2011 comes to a close and the month of obvious 11’s is behind us, we now have an opportunity to look back, forward and stay present all at once. December (12) offers new perspectives that support our global and personal evolution as we surrender to a higher divine design. What does “surrender” mean to you? How have you evolved this year? What are any last shifts you want to make before entering 2012?

The Universal Number of this month is 16/7. The 16 is a symbol of healing, renovation, restoration, change and awakening all that is necessary. During this month, our true nature is supported in being restored and expressed. While often associated with turmoil, the 16 can also be seen as a necessary shedding like the snake’s skin. Ever experienced a snake before, during and after a shed?

Nature can be our greatest teacher and the snake is a powerful and fearsome (for me) creature. My early years were spent in rural parts of Southern California and learning to use a snakebite kit was part of our life curriculum. Although I would rather not run into any snakes, I do feel a huge respect and affinity for their process. It is really quite profound.

The shedding process is preceded by a period of relative inactivity. This period usually lasts 1-2 weeks, during which time the eyes begin to exhibit a dull, bluish-white appearance. During this period, the snake’s vision is impaired, which causes them to be rather unpredictable and sometimes aggressive. The skin during this period tends to have an overall dull appearance. The underlying new skin is soft and vulnerable to damage while the outer layers prepare to sough away. The eyes again become transparent after 7-15 days and shedding commences. A snake will make use of any rough objects or surfaces within its enclosure to help shed the skin. Shedding commences with the skin of the head. Once the snake has loosened and dislodged the skin surrounding the mouth and over-lying the rostrum (nose), it then passes between rough objects that can trap the loose skin and hold it as the snake glides out of the “old” skin.[1]

Snakes become still and quiet to prepare to shed the old layers. They are great teachers for us. Oddly, during the darkest time of year when rest seems most important, we push ourselves to be busier with parties and gatherings. I love being social, and I also know the value of the dark and the shadows. Under 15 in the “Inner Child Cards” the authors say this:

Healing comes to the human soul when it accepts and merges darkness with light…embrace the fears, doubts, and unintegrated aspects of your psyche with open arms. Let your light shine into the darker regions of your mind. Accept yourself as a blending of higher and lower selves, a union of spiritual and material bodies.

Time spent at the dark of year to reflect and let go is time well spent for me. And, this year, I have created a cozy place where I will comfortably review, renew and continue to heal and grow.

To allow the energy to flow optimally this month, I will quote a friend: “Relax.” Nature’s processes are time-tested. Whether we pay attention to the setting of the sun and slow down or not, our beings are changing. We are at the end of a very big year and heading into another. Adjustment to change is an important quality with the energy of 2012. We will have the vitality of “5” energy next year and will need the discernment created by our experiences this year. For now, though, enjoying each moment as an opportunity to let go and live life and love more fully is really the best suggestion for all.

If you’d like more information about your personal year of 2012, please contact me and we will set up your session. Enjoy the season…darkness and light…restoration and transformation…love and joy…

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[1] http://www.animalhospitals-usa.com/reptiles/snakes/snake-shedding.html

A perfect morning…to read and write…and learn

Do you remember learning how to read and write? I do. I was in third grade and the teacher busted me for not knowing how to read. I was mortified. Really. Frozen like a dead person when she stopped me as I ‘read’ aloud. We were given passages to read and were called on in order in our assigned seats. I excelled at anticipating my turn. However, that fateful day, the boy who sat in front of me was sick. Per my norm, I had asked my parents to read ‘my’ paragraph to me the night before. They had no idea that I could not read, they just thought I needed a little help. I would hear it once and memorize it right away. Then, the next day, I would pretend to read as I repeated what I heard. But that fateful day, I was ‘found out.’ Thank goodness!

I was placed in a special class where they taught kids with any kind of learning disability. It turns out I was slightly dyslexic. Phonetics unlocked my brain, and I learned to read in no time. A magical world was opened to me and it has not stopped since.

Because of that experience, I love teaching others how to read and write. When I was in high school, I tutored younger kids during the summer. In college, I continued tutoring and then as a teacher one of my favorite jobs was teaching at the continuation high school.

My passion for teaching reading and writing is what led me to seek a volunteer position at The Learning and Loving Center in Morgan Hill. The center is a non-profit funded by donations and sponsored by the Sisters of the Presentation based in San Francisco. I fell in love with their mission and the work they are doing. When I knew for sure I was moving back to the Bay Area, I let them know I wanted to volunteer. They were open to having a numerologist most recently from Ashland teach a class. Divine Timing created an open position just as I was getting settled into my new home a beautiful hour’s drive away through Steinbeck country (another love of mine).

I now teach writing to four bright, energetic, astounding women every Monday morning. This past Monday, they were waiting for me at 9:50 am (class started at 10). Their faces were open, curious, and ready to learn. We settled in immediately with journal writing (first 10 minutes in their native language and then a switch to English for another 10 minutes) to music (thank you Mr. Kalio for setting that example for my entire teaching career). Then, we found verbs in Spanish and translated them to English and looked at adjectives and adverbs all the while animatedly conversing about our topic – feelings and holidays, namely Thanksgiving. After writing all the words on the board and talking about first drafts and brainstorming, we spent time talking about life (and big surprise, they asked me to speak more slowly!). Conversation in English is just as important as writing. They approached our conversation with just as much enthusiasm, and their smiles grew wide as I taught them new verbs like ‘embrace’ for ‘embracing new experiences’.

They are resilient women. As I looked over my own journal entry describing Thanksgiving as a day full of both the sadness of leaving home and all that I have known behind juxtaposed with the curiosity of new experiences, I realized these women knew EXACTLY how I felt. We did not talk about my writing, but I felt a kinship that nourished my heart.

They taught me that day. And that is how it is every time I have the opportunity to facilitate reading and writing and discussion. I always learn more than I teach. That’s why I love teaching. And, as they walked away, I knew from their smiles that they left with lots of new words, new memories, and even more confidence. A perfect morning…one that I will cherish and remember.

Happy Thanksgiving…can we say it enough?

At the end of October, I wrote this for November:

Do you feel the excitement in the air as we enter the eleventh month? Writing all those 1’s gives us the vibration of new beginnings each and every time. One energy is strong and vibrant. Eleven energy is the master key to unlock mystery and build toward what is coming next. The universal year number for November is 15 or 6. Each number asks us to hold a vision of our own lives and the lives around us complete with vitality and love. Inventing life right alongside others is the key to this month. Being authentic is a must. And radiating love will ease the way for others. Living with joy from a centered place and allowing yourself to laugh will bring about the most loving changes from within. Enjoy November! Feel the energy!

Little did I realize the potency of this month when I wrote those words. Each day seems equal to a year of opportunities for growth. Whether it is learning about self-reliance or getting along with others or surrendering to a higher power or asking for help in the depth of despair or dusting off my boots before marching forward or letting emotions move through me or following the call of the Mystery or feeling the magic in the air, earth and water, November has supported change, new beginnings, new opportunities, vitality, love, and radical authenticity.

I am humbled by my experiences. And what I mean by that is that I am changed in all the best ways – I see how much my faith has had to expand and grow to fully accept the magic that is ours to experience. I see how my faith has had to strengthen to fully accept the gifts the universe wants for us. On the days when I wake up and remember that I am here to radiate light and love, I have GREAT days. When I forget, I experience the rocky road and I don’t mean the ice cream! As I write this, I see the road in Brigadoon where they veer off and end up in the mystical city that appears once every 100 years. When I encountered some big boulders in the road this month, I felt really off course. My friends told me not to give up. And, when I think about it, would you just stop in the middle of the road? If the characters in Brigadoon had given up, they would not have had the journey of a lifetime, literally. My mystical city appeared and my journey is just beginning.

At this time of new beginnings that harbor the grief of the endings that must come before, I honor love and friendship.  On this Thanksgiving, I thank every single person, creature, entity, or being that has helped me through this year. You know who you are (I hope!). My gratitude knows no bounds. I have been supported in ways that I could never have imagined. My gratitude for the Universe is almost overwhelming. And my gratitude for the ones I love and who love me brings me to a depth in my heart that I never knew I had…

Thank you.

A cape for the Journey

You know you are on a journey when your friends start giving you capes as goodbye gifts. A cape is a fascinating garment made of almost any kind of cloth. By definition it is shorter than a cloak, but for blogging purposes, I’m going to use them synonymously.

Harry Potter’s cloak protected him from harm, allowed him to spy on perceived and real enemies, and reminded him of the link of invisible support he had from his parents. The Hobbits were given cloaks made of lightweight Elven fabric designed to protect them from slings and arrows and keep them warm.

My capes, while not cloaks, are quite stylish thanks to the joie de vive of their previous owners. They will not create invisibility. They will protect me from the elements. They may not protect me from the slings and arrows of the world, and as I wrap myself in them, they will remind me of the warmth, affection and friendship shared between the phenomenal people in my life and me. Through an abundant cloak of love, the most important relationship of my adult life is able to change and shift into its new form: deep heart-based friendship. I like Harry Potter’s cloak and its tricks, but nothing is more heart-opening and awakening than a kind and tender love shared between life-time friends.

Whether we look to Harry Potter or Frodo for examples, the theme is clear: cultivating true friendship is a most humbling gift. I find as I hug the friends I am leaving behind and embrace the friends waiting (both those I know and those I will know), that I understand the value of friendship in a far deeper way than I could have ever thought possible. A circle of friends will cast protection, support, and love around us with the swish of a cloak if we let them. And therein lies a key: letting ourselves be encircled with a cape of love.

The other day, my heart was stretched open by my friend, Anya, who after a night spent dealing with a profound issue of her own, insisted on giving me a blessing and a cloak for my new journey. I am humbled by her willingness to share what little energy she had with me. I received her love with a reverence for her gifts and her wisdom. Even as she handed me the black bull fighter’s cloak from Spain, a breath-taking gift in and of itself, I opened myself to the greater cloak bestowed on me: her love and grace.

All of us are undergoing some sort of transition or intensity in our lives. The cloak of comfort, I’m learning, is best used as Harry Potter used his: he wrapped himself for safety and then invited his friends to join him. We provide for ourselves and then we are in a stronger place to provide for others. These cloaks of friendship are often made of fabric woven with the threads of wise and authentic love. I am blessed with people who have filled themselves with enough life and love that they can share abundantly. I am grateful as I feel the tapestries of our lives continuing to intertwine and weave an even more beautiful life.

Beautiful Bodies Everywhere…where does Beauty start…inside or outside?

Curves, muscles, tans, and beautiful bodies are everywhere in Santa Barbara. Beautiful bodies exist in every town. Here, they are the norm and you see many people outside cycling, playing volleyball or tennis, and walking on the beach. Of course, my first instinct is to be envious of the luscious women I see walking in bikinis and short skirts and shorts. Envy being what it is, it got me thinking about what I was really seeing both in them and in myself.

Each person we see can be a mirror for us. We’ve all heard that when someone does something we find irritating that we can look into ourselves for that quality and likely find it disowned at some level. What we don’t always recognize is the mirroring of more positive qualities like sensuality or being healthy or fit. Looking for the positive is what I decided to do today as I admired yet another radiant woman walking past me.

How can I own more of my own radiance? How am I sensual even if I am not the same shape, size or wearing the same clothes?

Beauty, sensuality and radiance can all start on the inside and work their way to the surface. Last year in Rome I was infused with beauty from every angle. The statues all over the city were breathtaking in size, scope and detail. I was in awe. Most sculptors will tell you that the image is hidden inside the marble and they are working it to the surface, allowing it to break free of its constraints. I believe them.  I know we can do the same for ourselves.

Regardless of weight or size or fitness level, we can sculpt our inner beauty to pour forth into our lives through our bodies. Have you ever noticed that when someone is genuinely happy or laughing, you smile or laugh yourself? Beauty like happiness is contagious. A genuine acknowledgment of another’s beauty inspires us to feel beauty around us. We can ‘catch that look’ not by wearing the same clothes or losing another ten pounds, but by acknowledging our inner beauty and encouraging it to bubble to the surface like laughter.

Even in the most trying of times, beauty is present. In the fragile face of vulnerability lies a radiance. When someone is willing to share how they feel their authenticity is beautiful. This has been a lesson for me over the years. When I work hard to stay ‘together’ my body and face become more and more rigid making much less room for light to shine. On a day when I’ve been crying or sad, if I just express the reality of my day without getting into the story, just allowing myself to be genuine, my radiance is still there to share with others.

Ultimately, whether in Rome or in Santa Barbara, sharing beauty inside and outside is uplifting to our hearts and souls. Beauty inspires. It is its own muse. I am grateful.

Self-Esteem and Re-Union

Reunions are an amazing opportunity to dig deep for self-esteem! I think most people have at least a few thoughts about how they might appear to others they have not seen in 30 years. Reunions conjure up every emotion possible from fear to joy. Ultimately, I think the word reunion fits perfectly with my process of learning to love myself. How can in be in union with myself? And what does that mean?

Approaching the reunion I told friends that while I had not lost the 50 pounds I wanted to lose, I had lost my fear of being seen as I am inside and outside. Statements like that are often tested even under the best of circumstances. The evening was beyond fun for me and I did not think once about how I looked (ha!).  Despite the inevitable flashes of self-consciousness, I was able to focus on those around me…who they had become, how and where they lived, in what ways they loved their lives, and what felt passionate to them. I found myself sharing more deeply than I would have in the past. I was aware of feeling odd as I was trying on self-esteem, but at least I felt genuine as I admitted my flaws and fears and pronounced my joys.

Today the photos started to roll in. I was confronted with my deepest issues coming to the surface. I was not expecting such a strong reaction since I have been feeling ever so much better about myself and my body. Every bit of shame came rising up in me creating a maelstrom of anger at myself for not cherishing and keeping the body I once had. This is the deeper learning for me. I did not appreciate my once very in-shape body. I starved it nearly to death in order to conform to the ideas of beauty at the time. Even at 98 pounds, I wore a size 8 or 10. To put this in perspective, many women admired in TV or magazines wear a size 0. That would be like my leg. Seriously. Viking bodies don’t come in size 0. Ever. So, as I reflect on the self-hatred I imbued my body with over the last 30 years, I feel and see how it and I responded to each other. Even as I dealt with long-ago traumas through various therapeutic means, I continued to undervalue my body’s innate beauty and separated myself from it and the emotional pain locked inside. And being a loyal body, it never left me and continued to try to get my attention in various ways including expanding its size — maybe I would see it and love it sooner or later.

I wish I could have loved and known my Viking self earlier in my life specifically during those early college years of anorexia. At that time, Saturn was giving me the opportunity to define myself as it transited my first house. Many pounds later, I’m getting the same opportunity…only this time, I have to dig a lot deeper. I must look into the furthest reaches myself and create union with a body and soul that were separated long ago by acts of violence from others, poison that fertilized a lack of self-love. It pains me to admit how much I did not love myself. What is important now is that I am compelled to love myself no matter what! This is it…my one life in this body. In many ways, I feel better than I have in years with a greater commitment to exercise and diet. Still, the fears, the embarrassment, and the loathing all must be healed in order for me to be whole. Other people embrace me (all of me) with love. It’s time I do this for myself. I’m long overdue.

In any relationship we must be aware of how we treat the other. Our hearts, souls and bodies are no different. This heart, soul and body need some reunion. I will take what I experienced last night in the form of people with wide-open arms and big smiles as an example. We hadn’t seen each other in decades and we connected with a lightness and depth that was astounding. Acceptance of who we are combined with an authentic curiosity and love based on one common experience has shown me not only what we can do for each other, but what I can do for myself.

I will write more about the interesting and inspiring people I talked with in another blog. Tonight was a reminder to myself and any of you who can or want to relate that the first reunion must come from inside